Redefining Typical

A Mother, A Son, A Journey…..with Autism

One Beta fish and a whole heck of a lot of fish food December 13, 2012

Filed under: Autism and Hope — Cheairs @ 3:07 am
Tags: , , , , ,

I have been sad.

Crying in the car as I drive from the gym to the grocery store.

Sitting on the floor in my bedroom with my back against the dresser, knees drawn to my chest, crying.

On the couch next to Dave.

Laptops up.

T.V. on.

I sit next to him.

And I cry.

Because sometimes it’s too much.

Sometimes I want to run away from it.

I want it to stop being so hard.

I don’t want the heaviness in my chest.

I don’t want the ache of the tears behind my eyes.

I don’t want sadness that comes with the endless lists of things that have to be done for him to be a part of this world.

I don’t want the pain that comes with every number I push on my cell phone to coordinate his care.

I want our elf on the shelf, Elvin, to use his magical Christmas snowflakes to make the sadness to go away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And a friend comes over.

We sit in the kitchen.

I wrap my hands around my Christmas mug of hot apple cider.

And I cry.

And she listens.

And the magical snowflakes begin to fall.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And I go to the gym to workout with another mom who knows this journey of autism.

And with every huff.

With every puff.

With every bead of sweat.

We share.

And we walk to the parking lot.

We hug.

And I cry.

And her words, “I know Cheairs, I know. Sometimes it’s too much!”

And I feel the tingle of the magical snowflakes on my cheek.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stare at my phone.

Looking at videos of the kids.

I watch one of my Mae Mae.

The one I took after her brother dumped all of the fish food into her brand new fish tank.

The video she asks me to take of her so that she can help Dawson, “Not to dump all the fish food into my fish tank. Because it makes me angry and sad when he does that. So I want to make a video so he can watch it. And that way he won’t do it again.”

And I smile.

I tilt my head back.

I open my mouth.

I stick out my tongue.

The snowflakes.

The magical snowflakes.

They warm my skin.

They make me new.

They fill me with hope.

And I watch this video.

And I say.

Amen.

 

Copyright Cheairs Graves December 13, 2012

 

3 Responses to “One Beta fish and a whole heck of a lot of fish food”

  1. All of us with children with autism know how you feel.

  2. Hugs, Mama. Lots of hugs across the miles. I know. I really do.

  3. Diane Says:

    Does the stress of the holidays make it even harder? Sending hugs and prayers across the street. Love the video of Margaret Ann, she is a true gem and so very special!


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